nothing to fear but change itself

So I’m a procrastinator. A professional procrastinator. I will find any reason not to do something. Anything really. People wonder why my apartment is so clean. My secret is that it’s usually because there is something much more pressing that needs attention.

I need deadlines. I need to be able to set a goal and forget about it until the last minute. That’s how I got through University. Untold amount of nights were spent typing and printing, and then jumping on a the first of two buses to get the uni to hand in my assignment by 9am so that I didn’t get marks deducted for lateness.

One thing I have learned throughout the last 5 years in corporate life is that I prefer to be a concept man. I love working out the new strategy, the new plan of attack, the new idea. I enjoy starting a new project. By please god, please don’t ask me to see it all the way through. So incredibly boring!

That’s when I realised a few days ago that I have no deadlines in my life currently, and I am procrastinating setting them. For weeks people would ask me, “have you made any travel plans yet?” I would return with, “Nothing firm. I’ve got my brother’s wedding to go to, and yudda yudda yudda.” Really, any excuse would do.

And then IT happened.

I received an email from Webjet saying that prices were slashed to unheard of levels to fly to Los Angeles. And they had. I felt a twinge of fear in my belly, but then proceeded to to check out the prices there. Air New Zealand were the cheapest going at absolutely ridiculous prices.

So I did what any good procrastinator did. I left the house.

I ran out that door as fast as I could to avoid buying the online ticket. All under the sensible guise of “checking out the competition”. But truth be told, I was scared shitless. The world is in financial crisis, you idiot! Where are you going to live, fool! You’re not going to have an money!

I hit the travel agents to hear of prices 3 and 4 times the price I saw online. I did some grocery shopping. I had a bit of a walk. I knew that the computer was still on at home, and the Air New Zealand page was still there. Waiting for me. Like a tick sucking the lifeblood out of my procrastination.

I got home and check again. Oh yes, the flight is still there and available.

I logged onto Skype and called a friend in Los Angeles and talked to him for three hours. And still the flight was available and still there. Almost daring the screen not to be true, I decided to fill in all my details, irrationally daring the screen to decline my card. I pressed submit.

And there in it’s six digit form was my confirmation number.

Oh, that little nagging fear in my gut decided it was party time and rushed straight to my head.

I fear personal change. I fear financial insecurity. I fear the unknown. I fear failure. I fear people disliking me. I fear getting it all wrong. I fear losing control. I fear.

It’s what comes after the doing, that makes the doing hard to do.

But surprisingly from the other side, it ain’t that bad after all.

I’m still scared shitless, and no doubt when I get on that plane on the 15th May I will be freaking out. And maybe, just maybe, a little excited to.

I forgot that the unknown can be incredibly addictive.


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