i come with references

Dear Boris, Tory lordy mayor extraordinaire!

Please except this as my for application for a job stating the bleeding obvious on your Tube. Please please please!

With gusto .. nay, with vim and vigour … I can keep a straight face whilst broadcasting throughout the platform the follwong redundant yet helpful tips and tricks to wouldbe travellors.

‘Please moved down use all available space within the carriage.’

In the mornings as I stand with my face pressed into the armpit of the commuter hanging on for dear life on the Tube, I listen to that statement and wonder how personal i need to get to the business suit in front of me. Lord knows, I almost have an asthma attack from the woman who has chosen to bath in a bottle of Pounds Shop Eua d’ Collogne.

So yeah, I can pop that little statement out with the straightest of faces as my fellow commuters stare through the goldfish bowl windows with their sardine packed faces.

I would also display a penchant for using those fantstic long poles in the Korean and Japanese Subways … but that might lead to other tendancies.

One thing that I do admire that they do is that they like to keep travellors well informed about approaching trains. Bravo to them, I say.

‘The Next train arriving on platform one in two minutes is an Eastbound service to West Ruslip.’

I find that I am just as well informed as they at predicting the time of the next train approaching the station. The fact that they are simply reading off the very display board that I can see on the platform might seem a little too redundant. But never the less, I would press ahead. Espcially for the throngs of sight impaired on the platform. Really, you can’t move for guide dog shit in some places.

‘Please use all available space on the platform.’

You know, if you just let me treat the platform Tube like a high fashion nightclub, I could doorbitch my way through culling the three deep rows of commuters waiting to board. And that added bonus to that is that you would have a very delightful looking London Tube, that would have only pleasant to look at fashionable people. You might even see the Queen popping down to Sainsbury’s for a spot of milk on the Jubilee line. (Possibly not on weekends … as this line seems to miraculously close on each of them.)

‘The Jubilee Line has been suspended until further notice.’

Well, I think that anyone who has spent one day using this line could well utter these words ad nuseum, we’ve heard it so much. So no special talent there.

‘Please allow passengers off the train first before alighting.’

Sadly a piece of commonsense rarely adhered to. Although if you just gave me my long steal Japaness poles …

So there it is, My most excellent lordy mayor o mayor … I expect my luminous orange jacket and microphone will be in the mail then, will it?

Innit though?



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