and behind door number two …


Far be it from me to EVER stereotype anyone of race, gender, creed or code. But strap yourself in … it’s going to be a bumpy ride.


Seems everyone has a “step” program these days. Ten steps for alcoholics. Twelve step program to overcome addiction. Q-Step program for income assisted education.

Recently I went through my new FOUR STEP program for Coming Out for the young and not so young for a female friend in a current bout of sexual confusion. You know, I really should patent this.


So let’s just say you’re sitting all alone in your bedroom in the night dreaming about that guy or girl that sits next to you in Biology or the office. But of course, you wouldn’t dream of letting anyone know that you secretly desire the beast with two backs (or possibly three, four or five, who am I to judge) with people of the same gender. This is the time that young gentlemen will walk around with their school bags in front of them at waist height.


This means that you will start to dip your big toe in that pool. You’ll find yourself saying, “oh *chuckles* we were completely drunk, I had not idea what was going on” even though you were completely sober. Depending on the other parties state of mind at the time, they too could be drunk/sober. These are usually known as the “sorority years” for the wymens. The mens refer to them as the English Public School education years.


From there you’ll move onto “bisexual”. This is the final step before full acceptance. You’ll say that you are bisexual even though you wouldn’t even dream of letting someone of the opposite gender go anywhere below the south of the border. At this point for the chicks, you’ll stop all sorts of shaving, depilatoration, plucking or waxing. You might even have something unseen pierced! Lucky you. For the mens, this is the point where you will start shaving, depilatoration, plucking and waxing. You might even have something unseen pierced.


The last stage is “I’m Here, I’m Queer, Get Use To It.” You’ll finally be political. You’ll talk about how unfair things are for you. You pounce on anyone for anti-nonconformist lifestyles.

For the chicks, this is the point where you’ll slap on a pair of sensible shoes, grow a rather fond attachment to plaid, and realise that the undercut should never have left society with the end of the eighties. And the unseen piercings will finally be revealed in public no matter what anyone thinks. You will only watch Ellen, and listen to Melissa Etheridge and k. d. lang, and think Portia De Rossi is so much better than that slag Anne Hesche.

For the mens you’ll be thinking one thing: Jake Gyllenhall. And you’ll have a hard time remembering exactly what last nights name was if you even asked for it in the first place. You’ll be throwing out ever sensible shoe you own and anything plaid or flannelette. And the unseen piercings will finally be revealed in public no matter what anyone thinks.

So go forth. Open those closets and walk in robes and enjoy me four step program to self stereotypical enlightenment.


One thought on “and behind door number two …

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