an open letter to my grammatically challenged friend samantha

N.B.: The usage of gross national stereotyping is intended for comical value only. The author would like to establish right up front that he yet to find a race of people that isn’t unappealing in some manner, including his own kind.

Dearest Samantha,

I would like to recognise your statement recently regarding my nations use of spelling and grammar with a little history lesson.

When those Pilgrims in England left Plymouth for the wide blue yonder, they in fact spoke a version of American known as “English”. This mysterious language that they spoke was passed on by generation to generation evolving along the historical lines, being a mixture of other languages. Yes, there are in fact several other languages in the world, known as German (strangely spoken by the efficient German people in their efficient country, Germany), French (queerly spoken with oratorical flare by the dirty smelly French), Swedish (spoken by the ever-nude Swedes in Sweden), Spanish (used by the Spanish Inquisition as they mass murdered their way around Europe and the Middle East), and several other mother tongues. Yes indeed, these places are not at all mythical, but are located geographically to your right whilst facing north.

This is what makes “English” a rather complex and diverse language where words have several meanings and several words can mean the same thing. It has also developed a unique spelling and grammatical style.

Returning once again to those bonneted little Pilgrims, sailing the ocean blue in their saucy little ship, little did they realise that their mother tongue of Mother England would become quite bastardised into the black sheep of the family language know as American. Gone is the flare for pronouncing words in their original context; like penchant, a word of French origin pronounced pohn-shohn by the rest of the civilised world, but pronounced pen-chaaaaant in the American form. This one dimensional reading of language has certainly translated into what is commonly known as the “American Sense Of Humour”, which seems to have vanished since that silver tongue lovably rogue stated so emphatically with a wry smirk, “I did not have sexual relations with that woman!”

It is true that we speakers of the native tongue have had much fun at the expense of our American brothers and sisters who are continually perplexed by the complexity of the English language.

So for your benefit [Sam], I will now translate for you the above passages into your language, so that you will not need to have Britney Spears try her luck at interpretation.

Like, you know, there are these places, like, you know that are like totally far away. I think they speak French there … in like Hungary. It’s like totally romantic. Cause like, my mom, she like totally freaked out when my like cell phone bill came in. And I was like, Dudette, totally, like chill. It’s all perfect bodacious. Like she is so heavy like not good with the understanding. Like those people over there in Hungary, who we like totally should send food to so that they like feel better. Like, I’m like, dude, you so need to speak American, that way we can all live peacefully together with the wind in our hair on the beach! Oh my god, that would be like so totally awesome. And that way they could be like so thankful that they could give us like totally awesome things on Thanksgiving, which is like the day for giving me presents like before the holidays. Who ever thought that up was, like, one dude who knew his shit about getting the stuff you want without paying for it. Does my ass look big in these denim cut-offs? And I totally don’t mean my donkey.

Yours, with sincerity and graciousness.

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