shopping with fatties for dumbies


Christmas, Christmas, Sleigh Bells and Christmas Time.

Christmas, Christmas, there are no sleighs, but peace be thine.

Now, before you wowsers out there start tutt-tutting because I have left my Christmas to the second last trading weekend before December 25, listen up and you too shall soon embrace the scrooge within. Excuse me for having a life and career. No, I didn’t start planning my Christmas shopping back in October. Frankly at that time of year one should be focusing on another substantial birthday, that is, mine.

I mean, really … is it THAT important that one’s three year old daughter be given a dolls house that is visibly many multiples of that child’s height and body weight that she could set up camp in it in the back yard to escape that vileness that will become their family Christmas?

Rod for their own backs, I say.

Just get the frigin’ thing out of my way as I attempt to traverse the sea of great unwashed to make for the register.

“No, I don’t have a Myer One Fly Buy Target Jones Line of Abusive Credit that will force me to pay incredible amounts of interest. Just tally it up and I am outta here!”

I have also experience a hideous and disgusting form of prejudice. I saw a nice pack of 3 cotton boxer shorts that I wouldn’t have minded purchasing to use as shorts to sleep in all for the low low price of AUD$19.99! But oh no, I should purchase the pack in my hand because they are 3XL. So I begin to rummage through the banks and banks of various shapes and sizes. Oops, 2XL. No wait, 3XL. Umm, 5XL … 4XL … 6XL. Oh I see, I have to buy mine in single versions at a prices of AUD$14.95.

Great, so now I am subsidizing those that have an arse the size of Texas because they couldn’t afford the many bolts of cotton-poly blend to hide their shame. Excuse me for not have an arse the size of Texas! Clearly it would make a lot cheaper.

Then I had to see if JB Hi-Fi had The Catherine Tate Show for Sister No. 2, but the line was incredibly long and I couldn’t bear the thought of standing there and listening to the music that those annoying shop assistants play in the vain hope of appear cooler than you.

I had aspirations of finding a nice place setting arrangement for Sister No. 1, but got waylaid at Brooksfield in Myer and ended up with a new business shirt and tie that I will look absolutely smashing in.

So I settle back now, having only purchased one of the things on my list for Christmas revelries.

No doubt the rants on this topic have not ended.

N.B. Sisters are ranked in order of birth and not preference.

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